Almost 24 hours after my backpack debacle I'm in a place that I thought would take many days to reach. Acceptance. I can let go.
I had no idea how much those journals meant to me until today. I never realized how much I put into my writing. How much my thoughts, ideas, feelings, emotions really meant to me. I didn't just write about experiences that I was going through. I wrote about struggles, pains, hopes, joys. Things I had been working through. I may have many of these thoughts buried in my mind somewhere, but I can never get back the words I used to describe an experience that moment after I went through it.
I feel like there is supposed to be some kind of lesson to be learned here. People get "stuff" stolen all the time. Cars. Laptops. Phones. Ipods. Money. They learn how attached to "stuff" they are. Honestly, and I can't even believe I'm saying this, I think I would have rather had my camera stolen. I had insurance on that thing. Even my ipod. Would have been absolutely terrible, but it could have been replaced. I wouldn't have even minded if it were just my passport stolen. All of these things are annoying and frustrated to get stolen, but with some work, you can replace them.
I lost something that can't be replaced. I don't want to overdramatize (is that a word?) this or anything, but man this sucks.
I've realized that there are two ways to respond to this situation. I can be filled with anger and hate, and want revenge or I can decide to move on gracefully, understanding that there is nothing I can do about it. I made a mistake that I can't change. I choose to move forward. To let go. To let God teach me something through this. I was really struggling with this today, and then I went to my small group tonight, which changed everything. I told the group what happened, and I was prayed for. Tonight a burden was lifted. I stopped feeling the horrible gut punch feeling in my stomach. I was able to let go. Don't get me wrong, it is still hard to think about, but at least I can move on now. Life goes on. I'm sure many of you are thinking, "Man, it's just a journal." Not to me.
If I could find the person that stole my backpack, you want to know what I would do? I'd offer to take them out for a beer. Talk it over with them. Ask them why they did it. Maybe they were desperate for money. Maybe they were drunk and had poor judgment. Who knows. I just wish I could know why and how people do these things.
And then I would forgive him. And maybe gain a new friend.
But this isn't hollywood. This is life.
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I realized how much I miss California and Chico and home today. I wouldn't say I'm extremely homesick or anything, but there are things that I'm having a hard time going without. I miss grass. I miss open fields, where I can throw a disc or football around on. I miss being able to drive places. I miss familiar faces. I miss being able to get any kind of food I want and to be able to know what I'm buying at the grocery store. I miss having my own room. I miss In-n-out and mexican food. (And this is only at the two week mark! Good lord I'm pathetic.)
I know this is what I signed up for. I'm completely aware. I know this is what I asked/prayed for. I wanted to be uncomfortable. I wanted different. I wanted new. Now I know why they say "be careful what you ask for, you just might get it." Well I certainly got it. It's not an easy process. Getting accustomed to what you're not used to.
I'll end this extremely long post with a quote from Fight Club:
"A guy who came to Fight Club for the first time, his a** was a wad of cookie dough. After a few weeks, he was carved out of wood."
I feel like a wad of cookie dough.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
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2 comments:
We (JLaz and I) are both amazed by the way you communicate yourself so freely and clearly in your blog. It's like you're here talking to us--and we wish you were! :) It's obvious you have a gift there. We are so sorry for the loss you have experienced--we love you, miss you and are thinking about you.
Love,
J Laz and Annalisa
keep writing my friend... the notebooks you lost will someday seem insignificant in the scope of the volumes of words, prayers and thoughts that you will compile. You have a gift for communicating... Use paper, use film, i don't care just use it...
Missing you here...
B
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